Like an outsider ..

Im comforted when I encounter teachings that suggest Yeshua & his apostles were like outsiders, as its certainly how I feel most of the time! Prior to knowing Christ, I was relatively successful, surrounded by many people, & had an international network of both friends & work colleagues. After Christ, I feel isolated, lonely & have no career / income to speak of. My phone no longer rings, & day blends into day with little human encounter. Last night I decided to join a Christian Forum for the sake of networking & enquiry regarding my 'not so common' perspectives on things. My feeling of welcome & belonging lasted to comment 13. Im already ready to leave. Why like this? Im certainly not your standard Christian. As mentioned elsewhere, my background is shamanism (yes - the occult!). My introduction to Jesus was via A Course in Miracles (a book that has helped me immensely, though I'm starkly aware Ted has cautioned me regarding it), & my childhood was filled with visions of spirits, ghosts, Angels & Demons. I even encountered an Angel who was as solid as you or I, yet disappeared into thin air when his mission with me was complete. Im 45, live on land with my mother .. take care of 35 acres on my own, & am fumbling my way through what feels like an isolating path towards God. I tried the local churches : one was like a graveyard, another like a rock concert with no lead, & the third had a child evangelist hitting me up for money before I had even settled. I contacted an Orthodox Church & was not replied to. I drove the long highway to the next state to visit, & the doors were locked. I went to the church near my children .. a 3 hr round trip .. but didn't feel a sense of belonging or inspiration. Meanwhile, I listen to Ted, learn about the Gnostic Gospels, have begun reading the Bible, adore the effects of the Jesus Prayer, & keep the candle lit on my alter all day & through much of the night. Though there is little activity in this forum, I feel a peace here that I do not sense in other 'Christian' communities. I may be lonely, but I will not compromise. Im pleased to be here, & trust we will grow & awaken with grace. Love, Lara X